Some movies inspire us to pack the bags and take off on a great adventure whilst there are some more likely to inspire us to crack a beer, sit on the sofa and watch the telly instead. Here are ten movies that would make me want to stay at home and avoid some destinations like the plague.
Deliverance (1972) – Burt Reynolds, Jon Voight
Destination to be avoided: Northern Georgia
Reason: There are hillbillies here whose favourite past time is to sodomise visitors over conveniently placed logs. And if the hillbillies don’t get you, the wilds will. Not a good choice of location for active travellers.
Quote Evidence: “I bet you can squeal like a pig. Weeeeeee!”
The Hitcher (1986) – Rutger Hauer, C. Thomas Howell
Destination to be avoided: Any road between Chicago and San Diego
Reason: The hitchhikers are apparently psychotic stalkers who will hunt you down even if you manage to escape their initial attack. Local police aren’t much of a help as they’ll probably blame you for psycho hitcher’s previous victims. So much for the great American road trip.
Quote Evidence: “You wanna know what happens to an eyeball when it gets punctured?”
The Beach (2000) – Leonardo DiCaprio
Destination to be avoided: Thailand
Reason: What do you mean The Beach makes you want to go to Thailand? Are you crazy? Stumble across a lush field and the ‘farmers’ will mow you down in a spray of bullets quicker than you can say Koh Samui. Not only that, if a shark bites you when you’re having a splash about in those idyllic waters, you’ll be left to die an agonising death. Thailand – no thank you.
Quote Evidence: “I saw a fin!”
An American Werewolf in London (1981) – David Naughton, Jenny Agutter
Destination to be avoided: Yorkshire Moors
Reason: Nothing to do with the possibility of being bitten by a werewolf; that would be pretty cool. But would you really want to spend your evenings in pubs like The Slaughtered Lamb? The chilly, misty moors are much warmer by comparison.
Quote Evidence: “Stay on the road. Keep clear of the moors.”
The Sheltering Sky (1990) – John Malkovich, Debra Winger
Destination to be avoided: North Africa
Reason: Definitely not a destination for travelling couples unless having threesomes, bitching all the time and one of you dying from typhoid in a French Foreign Legion hell hole of an outpost is your travel preference.
Quote Evidence: “…we’re not tourists, we’re travelers.” If this is what happens to travellers I’ll stick to being a tourist.
Trainspotting (1996) – Ewan McGregor
Destination to be avoided: Edinburgh
Reason: Nothing at all to do with the place being druggie heaven (or hell) but you really don’t ever want to have to use a toilet here.
Quote Evidence: “I’m no longer constipated.”
Jaws (1975), Jaws 2 (1978), Jaws 3D (1983), Jaws the Revenge (1987) – Roy Scheider, Dennis Quaid, Michael Caine
Destination to be avoided: Amity Island (Martha’s Vineyard), New England
Reason: The place is simply a magnet for man (and woman)-eating great whites. They’re like cockroaches here; no matter how many you kill, there’ll be another and another. The local authorities are quite dim and never ever take the threat of a great white seriously. Another tip to avoid being eaten by a great white, no matter where you are, is to make sure there’s nobody with the surname Brody around as that name tends to attract them like flies.
Quote Evidence: “Come on into the water.”
A Cry in the Dark (1988) – Meryl Streep, Sam Neill
Destination to be avoided: Ayers Rock, Australia
Reason: The local dingos have a taste for baby flesh – enough said. Not a wise choice for families.
Quote Evidence: “The dingo’s got my baby!”
Midnight Express (1978) – Brad Davis
Destination to be avoided: Turkey
Reason: Even if you’re not actually smuggling hashish taped to your stomach, there’s a chance of being slung in a skanky prison and having the soles of your feet battered by a sadistic pig of a guard; one of the American inmates was in there for years for stealing church candles. Go to Greece instead.
Quote Evidence: “Poor Jimmy was caught and beaten so badly he got a severe hernia and lost a testicle.” – And he was only the candle thief.
In Bruges (2008) – Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson
Destination to be avoided: Bruges… it’s in Belgium
Reason: There’s no room for tourists as Bruges is full of hit-men who think nothing of holding shoot-outs in the streets, drugged up dwarves and girls who’ll invite you back to their flat where their nutty boyfriends will rob you. Safer to choose somewhere more sedate for your culture hit.
Quote Evidence: “Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf. I think I’m heading home.”
On second thoughts, In Bruges makes Bruges seem quite an exciting place to visit.
Jack is co-editor, writer and photographer for BuzzTrips and the Real Tenerife series of travel websites as well as a contributor to online travel sites and travel magazines. Follow Jack on Google+